This lesson is a compilation of a core seminar taught at Capitol Hill Baptist Church. The thirteen week course can be found here. The audio for the adult Sunday school lesson delivered on July 10 can be heard here.
Introduction
I will be laying out principles about dating and relationships that are either explicitly biblical or directly implied from Scripture. I will also lay out particular points of conduct that are more suggestive, and (I hope) both wise and consistent with the biblical principles. Throughout this talk, I hope you will keep open mind and heart and will wrestle with what I teach.
As you do, some of you will disagree or be initially annoyed at some of my statements. Ask yourself why that is. What are you trying to hold onto that you think what I am teaching will take from you (privacy, secrecy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom or your own rights)? Particularly, if your main objection is that the details I will lay out "are not explicitly biblical," then think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your dating life. Can you find explicit support for your view in Scripture? Are there even broader principles in Scripture that you think justify your vision of dating? How will you care for your brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to God's name? The bottom line is that I want you to think and act biblically in all areas of your life, including how you treat, befriend, and date brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe the Scriptures have something to say about that.
2 Pt. 1:2-4 – Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
I. What Are We Talking About?
A. I want to present to you a different view of dating than the one that perhaps everyone around you holds to.
B. I want you to think of dating as a relationship between a man and a woman who are actively and intentionally together to consider marriage.
1. It is a relationship with a purpose – the purpose of finding out if God would have these two particular people marry.
2. This does not mean that at the very moment you enter into a relationship with a man or woman that you are bound to marry that person, but you are exploring if that's what the Lord wants you to do.
3. The goal is marriage; therefore, the only appropriate purpose for a pre-marital romantic relationship is one in which both people are willing, able, and interested in being married.
a. The Bible has two statuses: single or married.
b. There is no "it's complicated," or "going steady.
c. For example, in 1 Cor. 7, Paul speaks to the married people and to the single people, but he doesn't recognized a group people who don't want to be married or who can't be married but want to be in a romantic relationship.
II. You Are not Married till You Are Married.
A. There are things in the Bible that are only good and right if they are sanctified by marriage.
1. We tend to think of the physical side of relationships in these terms, but there is more.
2. There is also an emotional involvement that is reserved for marriage.
Gen. 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
3. This oneness is reserved for marriage.
B. If one acts as if he/she is married when he/she is not, he/she is defrauding him/her.
1 Thess. 4:3-8 – For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects thisdoes not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.
1. This word "defraud"means to take advantage of someone because of personal greed.
2. When we try to act as married people and are not, or don't want to be married, just act like it, we are robbing the other person and his/her potential future spouse.
C. It is sin.
III. What Is the Difference between a Christian Relationship versus Worldly Dating?
A. Christian marriage has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex (who is not immediate family)—your spouse.
1. So the goal of Christian dating/courtship is not immediate intimacy, but future intimacy.
2. Worldly dating philosophy not only assumes that there will be more than one intimate relationship, it advocates "playing the field" in order to determine "what one wants" in a mate, and one of the ways you find out what you "want" is through intimacy.
3. The world advocates acting like your married (which can include living with someone) in order to determine if you should marry that person.
B. Worldly dating assumes that the only way to get to know a person is to spend exclusive time with him or her, while Christian dating will value more time in group settings early on, so that men and women are protected from too much intimacy too soon.
C. Christian dating assumes that long periods of time together are not needed, because what you're after is the appropriate level of knowledge needed in order to decide if further commitment is desired and in order.
D. Christian dating understands that personal happiness is not the greatest, and therefore controlling, goal in the relationship.
1. Christian dating should be more focused on holiness and spiritual growth.
2. Worldly dating assumes that a good relationship will meet my needs, a bad one won't (self-centered)
E. Christian dating understands that biblically, commitment comes before intimacy, worldly dating assumes there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement.
F. Christian dating understands that biblically, a part of being Christian is being accountable to others, while worldly dating assumes that what I do and who I date is up to me entirely and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority).
IV. Am I Ready for This Type of Relationship?
A. With what I have said so far, answering this question becomes a little simpler because in essence you are asking if you are ready to get married.
B. Here are some categories that you might want to consider when asking this question.
1. Am I old and mature enough to get married? This varies with each person.
2. Can I get married in the reasonably near future? If you don't want to get married till you are finished with college and you are just a freshmen, you are probably better off not entering into a relationship.
3. For men, can I provide for the needs of a family?
C. Other reasons a person may not be ready.
1. Just got saved.
2. Dealing with a life dominating sin like drugs, drunkenness, pornography.
3. Too much debt.
V. Who Should a Christian Date?
A. Before you think about the other person, let me suggest a couple of important questions to ask yourself:
1. Are you a Christian? (John 3; Rom 10:9)
2. Are you a growing as a Christian? (I Tim. 3; Gal. 5:22)
3. Are you spiritually ready to take on a relationship?
4. Are you humble, teachable, respect authority?
5. Are you able to maintain good relationships and friendships?
6. Are you financially prepared?
B. Ten general questions to ask yourself and others about the one you may be thinking about entering into a romantic relationship.
1. Is he/she clearly a believer? (2 Cor. 6:14-15) If you have any uncertainty about this, get counsel from others before you move towards a relationship.
2. Does he/she show an evident love for God (in how he/she spends time, money etc.)?
3. Does he/she show an evident love for God's Word?
4. Is there clear evidence of Christian character? Does he/she exhibit the fruits of the Spirit? (Gal. 5: 22-23) – Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
5. Is he/she fruitful in ministry? Or does he/she seem somewhat passive?
6. Does he/she show clear regard and care for others?
7. Is he/she faithful and consistent in the Christian life in prayer, scriptural study, etc?
8. Does he/she have the same view and valuation of marriage as you?
9. Do you trust him/her and trust his/her character?
10. Do those who you know and trust think highly of this person?
C. Questions for women to ask.
1. Is this a man you respect? Could you envision yourself submitting to and following him over the course of your lives together? (Eph. 5:22-24)
2. Do you believe he will care well for you and your children? Will he serve you and encourage your spiritual growth? (1 Tim. 5:8)
3. Is he growing in godliness and in the characteristics of biblical manhood? (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 and 1 Peter 3)
D. Questions for Men to ask
1. Do you believe she will care for you well and be a good mother and discipler to your children (as biblically defined)? (Titus 2:4-5)
2. Is she growing in godliness and in the characteristics of biblical womanhood (Proverbs 31 and 1 Peter 3)?
3. Do you envision her being supportive of you and the God-given task of marriage? (Gen. 2; 1 Peter 3)
4. Can you envision her following you and being responsive to your leadership? Would she encourage you in the task of leadership?
VI. A Couple of Words About Physical Attraction and Romance
A. Should physical attraction be a consideration? Yes. Should it be a primary consideration? No.
B. It is much wiser, I would argue, to first determine whether you are theologically compatible than whether your spouse is beautiful/handsome.
C. One really important reason to marry someone is that you think that you will be able to serve God better together than apart.
VII. Who Should Get Relationships Started? Generally the man.
A. The man is supposed to the leader in marriage.
Gen. 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Eph. 5:22-23 – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
B. Therefore, man should lead in initiating a relationship that is designed to lead to marriage.
C. For men to initiate relationships is good practice because a lack of initiative and leading in the beginning makes it much more difficult to lead later.
1. Guys, you should initiate the relationship, and move purposefully toward the woman.
2. Ladies, you should resist the temptation to usurp this role, but rather trust in the Lord.
3. As it is the man's God-given role to initiate, so it is the woman's God-given role to respond.
a. As men need to be learning how to lead (whether they like it or not), women need to be learning what it is to let a man assume spiritual leadership in the relationship – and to respond to that leadership.
b. "Wait", you say, "What if I am really interested in a guy and he just isn't getting it and I need to move him along?"
1) I encourage you not to take the initiative.
2) When men drop the ball on leadership, it is very often a temptation for the woman involved to pick up the reins and lead for him.
3) This sets a terrible pattern that only confuses the roles in the relationship and encourages both of you to take the role of the other to the detriment of the relationship and ultimately the marriage.
c. "Does this mean that generally you just sit back and watch and pray and maybe it doesn't ever get off the ground?" Yes.
d. The Lord is sovereign.
1) If it doesn't work out, the Lord will cause something else to work out.
2) He knows what is best for you and all of us must learn to trust him – especially about things that are really important to us.
e. The best way to get the right type of men to initiate is to be the type of woman the Bible tells you to be.
f. Feel free to respond to the man who shows initiation.
1) Let him know if he's wasting his time.
2) And feel free to appropriately encourage him if he's not.
VIII. What Are Some Key Elements as the Man Initiates?
A. Prayer – seek the Lord's guidance on these issues.
B. Presumably, you already have a friendship with this woman.
1. If not, the guy should gradually get to know the girl in group settings and other safe contexts (like church).
2. Some guys will be slow to initiate because they feel like they don't have enough contact with the female in group settings.
a. Guys, she needs to know enough about you to say yes or no to a first date; she doesn't need to know the inner recess of your soul in order to go out at least once.
b. You probably need to be less worried about how well she knows you, and be more courageous and take a risk.
C. Establish accountability from early on.
1. This hopefully will include:
a. Getting to know the father and other family members;
b. Making sure there are people in your church (leaders, wise friends, older couples, etc.) who are having a regular conversations with you about this process and about your pursuit of a particular woman.
2. Don't be scared to include elders, deacons, and other church leaders in your relationship.
D. Keep in mind general biblical principles of friendship as you initiate:
1. Am I treating her as a sister, in absolute purity?
2. Am I consistently seeking the counsel of others (trusted friends of mine and hers, godly parents, church leaders, etc.)?
3. Am I considering her better than myself, and putting her needs first?
a. So, for example, a man may feel keenly that he is ready to be married and wants any dating relationship to be as brief as possible.
b. Does the woman he is pursuing share this sentiment or might she need more time to consider the relationship?
E. Ask her out a few times (I hesitate to even say "a few" for fear of encouraging legalism) and don't take too much time in making your intentions clear.
1. Your main goal is to express your desire to spend more time with the express interest of seeing if the two of you might one day get married, and to see if she has the same interest.
2. You need to be clear!
F. As a woman:
1. Take time if you need to think, pray and get counsel, but don't let you answer drag out too long.
2. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no."
a. A maybe only fits if you are thinking about it and want time to pray and seek counsel.
b. Otherwise, a maybe should not be "I'm really want to say no but I don't have the guts" or "I really want to say no but I want to hold on to all of my options."
3. Be careful of your ideal.
a. You shouldn't expect 22-year-olds to have the maturity, communication skills, and Scriptural knowledge of a 45-year-old elder.
b. It's an unfair comparison.
c. You've got to give the guys time to grow in Christ.
d. If you see godly character in the guy, you need consider if you should at least try one date.
IX. So Much More to Say, But just One More Thing – Emotional Intimacy
A. You may have heard lessons about keeping yourself physically pure.
1. That is an important and good lesson.
2. We need to be very careful about that.
B. It is also very important to protect your heart as far emotional intimacy goes.
Pro. 4:23 – Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.
1. Emotional intimacy will grow with the relationship – that's inevitable and good.
2. But Proverbs 4 warns against jumping in too deep too quickly.
3. Remember that commitment should precede intimacy.
a. At the beginning of the relationship where there isn't a lot of commitment, be careful not to become too emotionally dependent on each other, or to share things that are deeply personal.
b. At the beginning, your boyfriend or girlfriend should not be your primary confidant and they should not be your primary advisor.
c. It's OK to have deep, dark secrets that you haven't shared with each other.
d. As you move toward engagement, this is going to change, of course.
1) By the time you are engaged you should have shared with each other anything in your past that could influence whether or not you get married.
2) And as an engaged couple, you do want your fiancé(e) to be your primary advisor and increasingly, your primary confidant.
e. For many couples, prayer together is something that builds emotional intimacy. So save long times of prayer together for later in your relationship, not something you do at first.
Conclusion
Here at the end we go back to where we began. If some of you disagree or are initially annoyed at some of my statements. Ask yourself why that is. What are you trying to hold onto that you think what I am teaching will take from you (privacy, secrecy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom or your own rights)? Particularly, if your main objection is that the details I will lay out "are not explicitly biblical," then think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your dating life. Can you find explicit support for your view in Scripture? Are there even broader principles in Scripture that you think justify your vision of dating? How will you care for your brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to God's name? The bottom line is that I want you to think and act biblically in all areas of your life, including how you treat, befriend, and date brothers and sisters in Christ.
http://olympiabp.blogspot.com/2016/07/christian-conduct-in-dating.html
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